What Shall Today Bring?

I've noticed I'm rapidly coming to the point that caused me to abandon ship all the times before.  I'm starting to feel again.  I'm starting to not immediately put my emotions in  lockbox the instant I notice them.  This is a scary place.  All the negative Don'ts are coming out again when I feel them.
"Ladies don't get mad."
"Angry?  Do you want a reason to be angry?"
You're not dying, so you shouldn't be sad."
"What the hell are you so damn happy over?"
"Wipe that shit eating grin off your face or I will."
And so on.
One of the Al- Anon books suggests overriding negative self talk with positive slogans. Another suggestion is taking all of those negative self talks, writing them down, and putting them away physically.
Actually allowing myself to feel things is scary.  I hafta not only feel them, but figure out what is socially acceptable to show.  I obviously can't punch a wall every time I'm angry or break into tears every time I'm sad. Sometimes, the emotion itself is a scary one that I generally try to avoid, because it's a Bad Feeling.  It's one a regular person shouldn't admit to having. I realize most humans experience most, if not all, of these negative emotions.  I'm just afraid of pushing people away with the Bad emotions.
This is not a place I want to be.  This is not a path I want to take.  I need to take it.  I've turned away from this path, at this point, several times before. Dealing with who I actually am and what I actually feel isn't pleasant.
What is this emotion?  I recognize the heart squeezy feeling.  I recognize the anxiety.  I think this is dread. I acknowledge the dread.  Dread is brought on by fear. I recognize the fear and acknowledge it by name: fear of abandonment. I hold the dread and the fear as the tiny little rat babies they are in my hands. I recognize the worry over what comes next.
I can do this. I can be honest with myself and feel the true emotion.  I might even be able to name them. This next step is a giant leap into unknown territory.  Then again, Neil Armstrong only put one foot at a time on the moon as he uttered "That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind."  If one movement at a time put humans on the moon, one movement at a time will edge me towards sanity.

Good Day 1

Today was one of those days I've been wanting.  Today was a day I kept my serenity. One small step for others, one giant leap for Jen.
I woke up from the aforementioned dream, and felt like a willow in the storm until I faced the emotions it brought on. Once I remembered I was allowed to feel those emotions, my calm came back and I examined them, allowing them to be without controlling me.  I bent and waved with the storm, but I did not snap.
My husband was a little snippy with me when he woke up because he was in pain. I decided not to take it personally, and lo, I didn't, and it went away.
I made the decision on where we went for dinner (a leap of faith for a people pleaser), and nothing went wrong.
I played a video game, died several times, and decided it wasn't worth getting angry over.
A friend fell asleep on the couch, and I didn't worry over him.
I dealt with my mother.  I was anxious, until I realized that I control my reactions and I can control how contact from her makes me feel.   I turned the ringer off for my text messages, found my calm, reread what she had sent with a clear, unanxious mind, and kept my calm in responding to her. It doesn't bother me now.  This was a major leap. Usually any dealing with my mother leaves me twitchy and anxious for days.  I'm starting to apply the Serenity Prayer in my life and it's been nothing but helpful, nothing but healthy.

Working the Book, Step 3, Part 6

When have I seen a Higher Power working in the Lives of those around me?
I have seen those around me who should be just as miserable as me, if not more, living happy, grateful lives because of their God.
I have seen pure miracles that science couldn't explain.  My grandmother lived for years after her projected death date when she had cancer, although whether that was from spite, hope, or God, I'll never know.  My middle sister found God (the God I don't care for) in jail, and seemingly can control herself (albeit not well) without meds now. I have seen my mother step back from the brink of the bridge.
I have seen minor miracles that some might call luck or coincidence, that timed suspiciously well with asking for help.
As much as I hate to admit it, the happiest, sanest people I know are the ones most devout in their devotions, be it God, the goodness of man, or love.  They are also the ones that seem '"luckiest."

How do I use Step Three in my daily life?
I have to.  If I don't, I worry at things and work myself into a giant ball of stress.  Each day, each instant of stress, worry, or pain, I have to ask God "take this away.  This is yours."  There are problems where God says "I need to work through you to solve this."  I can live with that, so long as I know I'm not shouldering the burden alone.  There are days where it seems like God doesn't hear me, or won't hear me, where it seems I'll worry myself into a giant ball of stress.  Those are the days where I know there is something inside, compounding what's outside, and that I need to attack what's inside and hand that to God before I can hand him what's outside.  Some days, I need to hand him my whole damn life and say "Help, I can't."  Then he sorts through the madness and gives me back what I can handle.  Some days, I hand him tears.  Some days, I hand him smiles.  Most days, he gets a confused basket of yarn monsters, and I get back a couple balls of yarn to work with.

What have I experienced when I have turned my will and life over to the  care of a Higher Power?
I swear I already answered this...It seems like this question asks the same thing as question 2 in Part 5.  I guess they are different.  One is "will" and "God," the other is "will and life" and "Higher Power."  Still doesn't make sense that they ask it twice.  I guess I'll attack turning over my life in this one.
Turning my life over has been a bitch, but overly simple at the same time.  I think it's been so hard because it seems too easy.  Things can't be easy.  If it's easy, that means I messed up somewhere along the way.  Yet, it is easy, in a way, to go "God, I can't do this, you take it."  It's like the parent I never had, the one that helps me, as opposed to me having to help him.  I think that is part of what makes it so difficult.  I'm not used to having someone in authority say "here, I can help" and mean it.  If I hear that, it's almost always a trick or not meant.  Having some omnipotent being patiently sitting there, waiting to take and help me handle whatever I throw their way is mind boggling.  Throwing bits and pieces has helped and, loathe as I am to admit it, served as a bit of an acid test.  "Can God help me handle this?  Ok, good. Can he help me with this bigger thing? Ok, good."  I keep tossing my life to him and in the same breath saying "Ok, that's enough, give it back."
I recognize what must be love and serenity when I can manage to let him have my life for more than a split second.  I'm slowly getting more of those moments as I can hand more of my life over to God.  I yearn for the day that I can consistently walk in that serenity and love, but even the moment and seconds I'm getting are more than I had.
For someone with major trust issues and that wasn't even sure there was a god as of a month ago, I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good.

Working the Book, Step 2, Part 3

Which words in Step 2 do I find especially meaningful?
First, a reminder of the wording of Step 2:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

I think the strongest part of that phrase is "Power greater than ourselves."  For so long, I've denied the existence of a helping deity.  I have claimed that "there is a God, but it's closer to a scientist/ petri dish relationship.  He's just watching, not messing with it."  I'm still not sure the Great Divine really has an interest in my day to day life, but I know that if things really get bad, it'll intervene.  The Great Divine has a vested interest in keeping me alive and sane, and can handle all that I ask it to help with.
"To sanity" is also powerful. It is a reminder of the definition of insanity: doing the same thing and expecting different results.  I've been doing the same thing, in one form or another, my whole life, and expecting different results.  I've tried going it alone for 15 years and expected something different.  Sanity is waking up from the nightmare, not just reaching for another knife and staying asleep.
"Restore" gives me hope.  It means I haven't always been crazy and won't always be crazy.  It means there is still some spark in me that wants things to be healed.  Even a scar is no longer a gaping, oozing wound.
"Believe."  A simple word that has always been my way forward.  Believe in a better tomorrow.  Believe that things and people can change.  Believe that things must get saner,  because the Great Divine won't let it get worse.

Working the Book, Step 2, Part 2

In what ways has my thinking disturbed my peace?
I think a more accurate version of this is "in what ways hasn't your thinking disturbed your peace?" The list is far shorter, almost nonexistent.
I have a nasty tendency of taking innocuous things personally.  Even if it was meant as a joke or had nothing whatsoever to do with me, I take it personally.  I would better keep my peace with a healthy reaction.
I get sad and angry over things that I have no control over. Like when middle sister went to jail, I blamed myself for not raising her correctly  (yeah, because that 2.5 years means I can mother her well.)  Or when my mother needs a med change and won't ask the doc about it. Or idiots in traffic.
I am very hard on myself.  If it's not perfect, it's something to stew on and worry over or rage over.
I get anxious and worry over things that don't deserve my time or energy or that I can't fix.  (This has gotten better by cutting sulfites from my diet.)   I worry over my mother, when she's been doing well.  I worry over my car, and that cosmetic damage.  I worry over money, even when there's enough coming in (it's especially hard when I'm unemployed.)  I'm anxious in traffic, because I can't control the idiots around me.  On especially bad days, I worry about my husband, his entire family, all my friends, my sponsor, just up and abandoning me.

I know my fears of abandonment come from actually being temporarily abandoned, repeatedly, by my mother.  She'd decide life is too hard or her emotions were too complicated or something, and just drive off.  Yes, I'd be safe with someone (as a kid, as a teenager, I was the safe one for my sisters), but to see my mother just walk or drive off, without saying good bye or even saying she'd be back, scared (and scarred) me.  We never even knew where she was going or if she'd be back. One minute she was there, the next, she was crying and walking out the door.  After she attempted suicide on one of those outings, I worried all the more.  There were times I wished she wouldn't come back, then I'd heap blame and shame on myself for those thoughts.  "She is my mother!" I'd chide myself, "I hafta love her and want her."  There are times that I wonder if her taking us storm chasing was actually self destructive behavior that endangered us kids or if it was a form of running away.  I know the winter in Pennsylvania with her pen pal was running away.  I later found out that she didn't tell Dad until either we were gone or until we got back.  There are some memories there I need to uncover.

How does Step 2 help me find peace in stressful situations?
Just reminding myself that I don't hafta face this alone helps.  Knowing that there is someone out there who knows all of my past, all of my secrets, and all of everything, and still loves me and won't leave me (well, it hasn't yet) is a scary and empowering thought.  Just the idea of, even if everything goes to hell, I have something to fall back on, helps me stay sane.  There is an image of myself in an exoskeleton, where the exoskeleton is the Great Divine, that helps me realize that even if I don't have the strength, the Great Divine does.

Working the Book, Step Two, Part 2

In what ways have I felt like a victim?
When it would fall to me to talk my mother out of suicide. I felt, and rightly so, like it was something I shouldn't have had to do.  I felt like I was being singled out because I was the responsible one.
When criticized.  Even if someone is only trying to help, I feel like they're saying I'm the world's greatest failure.
When dealing with my middle sister's drama.  Any good in my life falls by the wayside because she got in trouble.  I was actively worried about people missing my college graduation because she was in jail and having issues.  I felt I was a victim of her need for drama because people bow and scrape for her.  I was the good kid.  I didn't need the attention the special kid needed.  There are times it still feels like that is the general consensus.
When I lose a friend.  I don't make friends easily or well, so losing one, especially through actions that could have been avoided on either end, makes me feel like I'm being punished for even trying.
When Dad would single me out for punishment when things weren't clean enough or my sisters were misbehaving.  Even though we'd all been told to clean [the dishes, our room, whatever mess] or behave, it always fell to me to clean whatever it was and I could never be quick enough to make it clean enough or make my sisters be quiet and vanish.  I felt like a victim, a scapegoat, because I took all the blame and got none of the happy.  Even if one of my sisters took the blame and punishment, I still felt victimized, because I knew it was my fault they were being punished.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a Power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
I passed college.  With all the drama passing in and out of life during that time frame, and with that hellacious last semester, something kept me sane enough to get out alive and with a degree.
I never completed or retried that suicide attempt. There must have been something out there keeping an eye on me and giving me that last ditch effort to live.
I survived my darkest days, when all I could think about was how nice death would be and how much the world hated me.
I remembered Al- Anon and came to the conclusion I couldn't face my past alone.  I'm still not sure how much of my past I'll remember.  My past is like a giant fog, with things occasionally surfacing or coming out of the mist.
I came to peace with my father and his drinking, or a form of peace.

Emotions, Part 1

Last night, a friend caused me to have some emotional issues and I lost my serenity for a bit.
Every Saturday, we have a few friends over to play video games or watch anime or just hang out.  Last night was an MMORPG that we've been playing quite frequently.  We did several dungeons in game, then the friend that joins us online bowed out.  The friend that caused the irritation then runs off and does something with his guild in game.  No notification, no asking what the group plan was. Just drops the group he was physically with to go play with someone else.
It wouldn't have bothered me near as much if he had said something prior to dropping us. "Hey, I'm gonna go do a guild bounty and I'll be right back." I would've been cool with that, because it's quick and only can happen once a week.  Instead, he drops us like a sack of rotten potatoes for his cool guildies.
I felt irritated that he didn't bother telling anyone until he did it.  I felt frustrated that we apparently ranked second.  I felt abandoned. I felt anger that he couldn't exhibit good manners.  I felt shame, like it was somehow my fault he had ditched us.  When my husband pulled inward and ignored everyone for a bit to deal with his frustration and anger, I felt alone.
To deal with it in a healthy way, I examined the emotions, one by one, and meditated.  I took out the anger on things in game. I found my serenity, not by rationalizing away what he did, but by realizing it wasn't something I could control.  It wasn't the first time this person had been a dick and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

Step 2, Working the Book, Part 2

What behaviors do I continue, expecting different outcomes?
I keep pushing people away, making them leap hurdles and pass acid tests to get close to me.  I want friends, but I don't give them a chance to be my friend. I now see this as a defense mechanism gone astray: if people can't get close to me, they can't run away from me.
I keep procrastinating, expecting to magically come up with the perfect solution for my projects at work. Fear of failure drives perfection.  Knowing I cannot be perfect drives procrastination.
I keep trying to "mother" my siblings into perfect human beings, even though they're both grown and going to  make their own decisions.  I now realize that ignoring my middle sister and pretending like she doesn't exist, only to mourn her bad or "bad" choices, is like my mother running away when we were bad or like Granny ignoring everything that doesn't fit in her perfect world. I still need to avoid and ignore her, but not to punish her.  I need to avoid her to get myself healthy.

How do I define sanity?
Sanity is realizing that I can't survive alone in this world.  Not just in terms of physical survival, but emotionally. Humans have always lived in social groups, both to make food easier and because humans need to be loved.  I can live alone (much as I'd rather not lose my husband and families) physically, but even in my most introverted days, I go stir crazy without some form of human contact, even just saying hello to my neighbor.  I need to know I'm not alone.  I need to know I haven't been abandoned by everything I ever loved.
Sanity is knowing where to draw the line on what I can change.  I can't change that the sun comes up in the east. I can't change that wars are fought over stupid things.  I can't change the moon.  I can't change my mother.  I can't change anyone except myself and my reactions.  Someone with schizophrenia once said "I can't change that I hear the voices, but I can change that I listen to them."  That's kinda how I see my life.  I can't change my past, but I can change the reactions I learned in my past.