I went to an AA open meeting today, out of curiosity and for the benefit I knew it would have. It had the "right" structure for a Family Group meeting, and I wanted to see it from the other side of the coin.
The topic was the daily meditation of working in faith. Hearing how their God helps them, and how some of them have felt abandoned by their God before, made me feel better about my struggles with the concept of an all loving deity.
I talked, albeit briefly for me, about my faith issues. About how I dropped the Judeochristian god because of the grudge I had against him. I prayed time and again, as a kid, to fix what was wrong with our family. He decided not to. What kind of all loving God lets people suffer for things that aren't their fault? So I held that grudge. I still hold it. I still refuse to do anything with that God. That face of the Great Divine can go jump off a cliff. I still struggle with the issue of faith. If I attack it square on with that word ("faith"), it all vanishes and I'm left with empty words and no Divine. I hafta kinda sidle up to it and dance around it, with other words and other ideas to believe that the Divine can help me. I can believe, but I hafta look at facts and "facts," just making a jump and saying (in my best Gospel voice) "I BUHLEEV!!!" doesn't work. I have faith in what has been proven or "proven." "I BUHLEEV!" has no proof and falls like a bowling pin. I believe the Great Divine can help, if I let scler (yes, that's a Futurama reference). I think I can trust the Great Divine, but I need to be aware to what I want and think I need may not in fact be what I need. Kinda like the alcoholic "needs" a drink, but it's the worst thing in the world for him or her.
There will be more on this topic later, I promise you. This topic is kinda like faith itself: I hafta sidle up to it or it vanishes in a puff of logic.