Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Emotions, Part 2

Earlier today, I went to retrieve batteries to replace the ones dying in my mouse.  I felt shame and anxiety and got a flash of getting batteries from the battery box as a kid.  I got a sense of "if I hadn't used up those batteries so fast, I wouldn't need more."  There was shame attached to a feeling of being a bother, of imposing.
As kids, we were always told that when the batteries ran out in our toys, that was it, no more batteries.  We were always shamed for asking for more batteries, because "batteries are expensive."  Dad hastily tried to correct that when I started needing them for calculators for school, but I guess the damage was done.
There was a sense of sneaking the batteries, like I should for some reason ask my husband for a battery.  It was a holdover.  I often snuck the batteries that I needed for school, afraid I'd get in trouble for using them up too fast.
I think Dad just thought I was being adult and replacing them on my own.  He had to notice them going missing, as they were refilled every once in a while.  And that may've been how it seemed to every other person.  To me, it seemed something shameful and sneaky, like I didn't deserve those batteries, but I needed them to be a perfect kid and help keep the chaos to a minimum.

1 comment:

  1. The trauma of childhood can stay with me as long as I focus on all the bad things in the past. I don't want to stay in the past. I know that it shaped who I am, but I'm no longer defined by that. I realize that I have moved into today. The past doesn't bring me to my knees in sorrow anymore. I'm grateful for that.