Today was another Al- Anon meeting, this one a discussion meeting. This one was especially beneficial, as it tackled the stuff I've been dancing around all week. Not so much "what is God" as "how do you hear God" and "how do you know you're on the right path."
Some of the things said really struck me. One person's story could've been pulled from my mouth. (Not their exact words:) 'I don't pray. I'll wish you luck, send good vibes, and hope for you. I guess that's my form of prayer.' I've gotten better about true prayer. I still can't do the come to Jeebus, holy holy stuff. That always smacked me more as showing off. I will; however, let loose "God, help!" or "please let them be ok" or "where to from here?" I just refuse to "Oh, praise Jeebus, holy of holies, hear my loud prayer, Amen."
Another person mentioned a change in their prayer style, going from "I want, I need, I demand" to "what is Your will?" I've noticed myself making that transition, from "Fix this," "Do this," "all I need is this" to "help me do Your will," and "what is the right path," and, admittedly "please do this. I want this so badly. I realize it may not be right, but please let it be right."
My sponsor's reading had to do with the free will of other people. Heh. That's one of my reasons for letting go of my control of the world.
There were people there on their first meeting. Hearing them, I was struck by how far I'd come (and how much of me I still heard in them.)
My sponsor gave me some kind advice, and heard one of my more recent fears regarding fucking up my potential hypothetical kids. She introduced an idea that made perfect sense and was a foreign concept at the same time: treat myself to something positive when I handle something difficult in Al Anon or on here. The idea made sense, but it had just never occurred to me to give myself a treat for good behavior. I never got rewards for good behavior as a kid, so it never occurred to give them to myself. Of course, it never processed that I didn't get rewarded as a kid, just not punished, until she mentioned it. One of those disconnects between my childhood and a normal childhood. You can't miss what you never had, so they say.