Sunday, November 3, 2013

Working the Book, Step 3, Part 3

What keeps/ kept me from surrendering to the Great Divine?
For a long time, it was that one word and all it's synonyms: "surrender."  That meant I lost, I couldn't handle it, things were not just fine, and, worst of all, it meant biting back my pride and asking something for help.  Surrender means you're conquered like a losing country, subject  to obedience, authority, and obeisance.  I was stronger than that.  I was Rome, dammit!  A superpower all my own, with subjects and allies (and no small number of enemies to conquer.)  What I failed to remember was that even Rome failed when it spread itself too thin.  I failed to remember that Rome, in it's Golden Era, helped more than it demanded.  When it started demanding more than it gave, it failed, rather spectacularly.  I was not Rome in its heyday.  I was Rome in the era of the mad emperors.
Then there was that whole "God" business.  I wasn't going to worship one damned thing, thankyouverymuch.  Acknowledge? Sure.  Work with? Maybe.  Bow and scrape and lick His oh so holy feet? Fuck that noise.
How do I begin to trust a Power greater than myself?
There's that twitchy word again: "trust."  I have trouble even trusting myself.  How do I go about trusting something that could easily be construed as an imaginary friend?
I realized that my definition of God does not hafta be the Abramic, father figure who will beat you if you're bad.  I realized my definition of God didn't even hafta be humanoid. A spirit that moves around and through me and my actions?  A God as large as the 'Verse and as small as that still, quiet "maybe" voice? A god closer to being wind than Dad with the belt?  That's more my speed.
I can trust the energy of the 'Verse.  It has seen everything and knows what my next step should be. I'm reminded of a Star Wars joke when I think of the 'Verse- the Force (or 'Verse) like duct tape: it has a Dark Side, a Light Side, holds the Universe together, and can become a giant, sticky mess if you fuck with it.  I've been ignoring the 'Verse and pretty much got myself duct taped to a wall.  When I do listen to, and trust, the 'Verse, it's like being able to use the duct tape in my favor.
How do I make that leap of faith?  I don't.  I walk across my duct tape bridge, one baby step at a time.  I begin to trust by making duct tape planks, based on things I know to be true.  I'm here for a purpose and I can't fulfill my purpose if I don't fucking listen to the instructions.
I used to have a t-shirt that said "When all else fails, look in the trash for the instructions."  Well, all else has failed.  Time to go hunting for the instructions.

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