What keeps/ kept me from surrendering to the Great Divine?
For a long time, it was that one word and all it's synonyms: "surrender." That meant I lost, I couldn't handle it, things were not just fine, and, worst of all, it meant biting back my pride and asking something for help. Surrender means you're conquered like a losing country, subject to obedience, authority, and obeisance. I was stronger than that. I was Rome, dammit! A superpower all my own, with subjects and allies (and no small number of enemies to conquer.) What I failed to remember was that even Rome failed when it spread itself too thin. I failed to remember that Rome, in it's Golden Era, helped more than it demanded. When it started demanding more than it gave, it failed, rather spectacularly. I was not Rome in its heyday. I was Rome in the era of the mad emperors.
Then there was that whole "God" business. I wasn't going to worship one damned thing, thankyouverymuch. Acknowledge? Sure. Work with? Maybe. Bow and scrape and lick His oh so holy feet? Fuck that noise.
How do I begin to trust a Power greater than myself?
There's that twitchy word again: "trust." I have trouble even trusting myself. How do I go about trusting something that could easily be construed as an imaginary friend?
I realized that my definition of God does not hafta be the Abramic, father figure who will beat you if you're bad. I realized my definition of God didn't even hafta be humanoid. A spirit that moves around and through me and my actions? A God as large as the 'Verse and as small as that still, quiet "maybe" voice? A god closer to being wind than Dad with the belt? That's more my speed.
I can trust the energy of the 'Verse. It has seen everything and knows what my next step should be. I'm reminded of a Star Wars joke when I think of the 'Verse- the Force (or 'Verse) like duct tape: it has a Dark Side, a Light Side, holds the Universe together, and can become a giant, sticky mess if you fuck with it. I've been ignoring the 'Verse and pretty much got myself duct taped to a wall. When I do listen to, and trust, the 'Verse, it's like being able to use the duct tape in my favor.
How do I make that leap of faith? I don't. I walk across my duct tape bridge, one baby step at a time. I begin to trust by making duct tape planks, based on things I know to be true. I'm here for a purpose and I can't fulfill my purpose if I don't fucking listen to the instructions.
I used to have a t-shirt that said "When all else fails, look in the trash for the instructions." Well, all else has failed. Time to go hunting for the instructions.