Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Step 3, Processing

I went to a park earlier, to walk and try to process the "life" part of step 3.  I could handle the turning over my problems, even mostly handle turning over my will.  Turning over all of my life invoked the 3 year old in me: "nuh-uh, that's MINE."
So I walk.  And thought, and (surreptitiously) watched kids play.  I picked up pecans, and passed them from hand to hand.  With each pecan that fell, or that I tossed away, another obstacle fell.  I'd like to say I know what thought process it was that unlocked being able to hand over my life.  I don't remember it.  It happened all of 45 minutes ago, if that, and I don't remember it.  I just know that by the time I only had one pecan left and had made 3 circuits around the park, I had not only figured it out, but done it. I found serenity, even if only temporarily.  The last half circuit was bizarre (I may have been going into a hypoglycemic reaction), but euphoric.  No.  Not euphoric.  Not worrying.  Happy.  Existing without anxiety or worry.
Even hours later, I've maintained that calm happiness and lack of anxiety.  It seems surreal that I can do this, but somehow, I did it and am doing it.  If I think on it too much, the anxiety starts to return, I think because I start trying to yank control back from God by worrying.  So,  I try to find my center whenever I catch myself doing that.
Last question of Step 3 in the workbook:
How did forcing my will on others make the situation worse?
If I was successful in forcing my will, the other person felt displaced, or worse, disrespected.  It hurt friendships and family bonds that were probably already in trouble from previous attempts to force my will.  It also tended to make the other person feel angry and took away their free will.  I may not like the decisions people make, but they should be free to make their own decisions. If they ask, then I can help.  Forcing my will on them just makes tempers shorter, situations more volatile, and things go from bad to worse.
^I think that's the realization I came to as part of my walk this afternoon.  It was a realization in terms of "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you," instead of my more frequent "do unto others lest they do unto you."  You hafta let folks live their lives.  To interfere not only would muck things up worse and possibly ruin a relationship, but you would be trying to remove their free will, which is never cool.

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