Monday, November 4, 2013

Working the Book, Step 3, Part 5

In what ways do I struggle with giving up my will?
I have trouble, deep trouble, not knowing what the future brings.  Not knowing what to expect brings on anxiety, because my past was always so unpredictable.  I need to remind myself that I wasn't controlling what happened anyways, and what I did try to control just screwed things up.
Admitting that my "brilliant"  idea isn't the best step is a blow to the ego, and there are days I feel I only have my ego left.  Then again, ego is where you get when you leave behind God.
I'm getting better, though. If I catch myself, and remind myself, with effort I can let go of what bothers me.  An example actually happened last night.  My husband was getting irritated and angry with a piece of technology that wasn't responding the way it should.  My first urge was to run away from the bad emotions that could hurt me, even though he never has.  My second response was to want to go and do anything I could to make it better. Instead of either, I closed my eyes and asked God to take it, to help him find his calm.
I still want to make things better and fix them on my own, because I keep forgetting that God is there and can fix things in ways that they need to be fixed, not the duct tape job I would do.
What has been my experience when I have turned my will over to the God of my understanding?
When I can accomplish it, I feel serenity, peace, calm, and all those other things I don't feel often enough.  I get this feeling that everything will be ok.  I find that I don't hafta try and fix what is broken, because something infinitely more powerful than myself can do it for me.  Sometimes, God chooses me to do some or all of his work, but it feels better being a channel for the right work than trying to ram through the wrong thing that I think is right.
When I can accomplish it, I find that things go better than I could have dreamed, because God does miracles every day, even just the small ones.  Even when what I wanted doesn't happen, something positive or a lesson comes out of it.  I may not like the lesson, but it does make life easier to just hafta learn it once.

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