I've noticed I'm rapidly coming to the point that caused me to abandon ship all the times before. I'm starting to feel again. I'm starting to not immediately put my emotions in lockbox the instant I notice them. This is a scary place. All the negative Don'ts are coming out again when I feel them.
"Ladies don't get mad."
"Angry? Do you want a reason to be angry?"
You're not dying, so you shouldn't be sad."
"What the hell are you so damn happy over?"
"Wipe that shit eating grin off your face or I will."
And so on.
One of the Al- Anon books suggests overriding negative self talk with positive slogans. Another suggestion is taking all of those negative self talks, writing them down, and putting them away physically.
Actually allowing myself to feel things is scary. I hafta not only feel them, but figure out what is socially acceptable to show. I obviously can't punch a wall every time I'm angry or break into tears every time I'm sad. Sometimes, the emotion itself is a scary one that I generally try to avoid, because it's a Bad Feeling. It's one a regular person shouldn't admit to having. I realize most humans experience most, if not all, of these negative emotions. I'm just afraid of pushing people away with the Bad emotions.
This is not a place I want to be. This is not a path I want to take. I need to take it. I've turned away from this path, at this point, several times before. Dealing with who I actually am and what I actually feel isn't pleasant.
What is this emotion? I recognize the heart squeezy feeling. I recognize the anxiety. I think this is dread. I acknowledge the dread. Dread is brought on by fear. I recognize the fear and acknowledge it by name: fear of abandonment. I hold the dread and the fear as the tiny little rat babies they are in my hands. I recognize the worry over what comes next.
I can do this. I can be honest with myself and feel the true emotion. I might even be able to name them. This next step is a giant leap into unknown territory. Then again, Neil Armstrong only put one foot at a time on the moon as he uttered "That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind." If one movement at a time put humans on the moon, one movement at a time will edge me towards sanity.