Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Working the Book, Step 3, Part 6

When have I seen a Higher Power working in the Lives of those around me?
I have seen those around me who should be just as miserable as me, if not more, living happy, grateful lives because of their God.
I have seen pure miracles that science couldn't explain.  My grandmother lived for years after her projected death date when she had cancer, although whether that was from spite, hope, or God, I'll never know.  My middle sister found God (the God I don't care for) in jail, and seemingly can control herself (albeit not well) without meds now. I have seen my mother step back from the brink of the bridge.
I have seen minor miracles that some might call luck or coincidence, that timed suspiciously well with asking for help.
As much as I hate to admit it, the happiest, sanest people I know are the ones most devout in their devotions, be it God, the goodness of man, or love.  They are also the ones that seem '"luckiest."

How do I use Step Three in my daily life?
I have to.  If I don't, I worry at things and work myself into a giant ball of stress.  Each day, each instant of stress, worry, or pain, I have to ask God "take this away.  This is yours."  There are problems where God says "I need to work through you to solve this."  I can live with that, so long as I know I'm not shouldering the burden alone.  There are days where it seems like God doesn't hear me, or won't hear me, where it seems I'll worry myself into a giant ball of stress.  Those are the days where I know there is something inside, compounding what's outside, and that I need to attack what's inside and hand that to God before I can hand him what's outside.  Some days, I need to hand him my whole damn life and say "Help, I can't."  Then he sorts through the madness and gives me back what I can handle.  Some days, I hand him tears.  Some days, I hand him smiles.  Most days, he gets a confused basket of yarn monsters, and I get back a couple balls of yarn to work with.

What have I experienced when I have turned my will and life over to the  care of a Higher Power?
I swear I already answered this...It seems like this question asks the same thing as question 2 in Part 5.  I guess they are different.  One is "will" and "God," the other is "will and life" and "Higher Power."  Still doesn't make sense that they ask it twice.  I guess I'll attack turning over my life in this one.
Turning my life over has been a bitch, but overly simple at the same time.  I think it's been so hard because it seems too easy.  Things can't be easy.  If it's easy, that means I messed up somewhere along the way.  Yet, it is easy, in a way, to go "God, I can't do this, you take it."  It's like the parent I never had, the one that helps me, as opposed to me having to help him.  I think that is part of what makes it so difficult.  I'm not used to having someone in authority say "here, I can help" and mean it.  If I hear that, it's almost always a trick or not meant.  Having some omnipotent being patiently sitting there, waiting to take and help me handle whatever I throw their way is mind boggling.  Throwing bits and pieces has helped and, loathe as I am to admit it, served as a bit of an acid test.  "Can God help me handle this?  Ok, good. Can he help me with this bigger thing? Ok, good."  I keep tossing my life to him and in the same breath saying "Ok, that's enough, give it back."
I recognize what must be love and serenity when I can manage to let him have my life for more than a split second.  I'm slowly getting more of those moments as I can hand more of my life over to God.  I yearn for the day that I can consistently walk in that serenity and love, but even the moment and seconds I'm getting are more than I had.
For someone with major trust issues and that wasn't even sure there was a god as of a month ago, I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good.

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