Thursday, November 7, 2013

Working the Steps, step 4, Part 1

I guess before I start the workbook questions, I should start the inventory list.  For those unaware this is step 4:
Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.
An inventory is a  complete list of what is in stock.  I take this to mean I should examine what is good about myself and what defects/ flaws/ bad stock I have taken over the years.  Honestly, the hard part will be coming up with the good stuff.  I have a laundry list a mile long on what's wrong with me, but to think of the positives... it's something you Don't Do.  You don't self promote, you don't self aggrandize. Ego is not in humility or caring for others.  I think, in an effort to keep myself honest, and help my hurting self esteem, I'll force myself to alternate, good and bad.
1) I can be kind.
2)... when I'm not using someone as a sharpening stone for my tongue in an effort to keep or drive them away.
3) I can be generous.
4) That generosity can, and often does, have strings attached, even unspoken strings.  I tend to get peeved when someone does not read my mind and do what I mentally demand of them for them generosity.
5) I can be generous without strings, if I feel the person "worthy."
6) I have a nasty tendency of taking things personally, even when they aren't aimed at me.  I think this has to do with the imperfect attempt to be perfect and blame: something's not right, and I had to have somehow caused it, ergo, something is wrong with me.
7) I am accepting of every person as themselves, no fakery or flattery necessary.
8) long as you don't want to get beyond my walls.  If you want to get beyond the moat, you hafta learn to swim in acid.  I think this ties to the fear of abandonment: if I don't let you close, it doesn't hurt when you leave me... wow, note the "when," not if.  That goes deeper than I thought.
9) I have many creative talents.
10) Using the talents for both happiness and pain still eludes me.  I cannot think of a single painting I have done that was done in happiness  I can do neutral subject matter  (I have evidence in my sewing and ceramics.)  I can use them for gifts to others.  A happy use of it for myself is foreign.  It's possible that my art is an outlet for emotions, and I don't recognize lasting happiness nearly as often.
11) I am very empathic, to the point of causing myself pain because I don't know when to shut off that faucet. I think my inability to shut off that faucet comes from fear: what if shutting off that faucet causes them more pain, so then their pain is my fault?
12) I can be friendly, in much the same way as a dog that was abused can be.  I'll laugh and play until the instant you hit a trigger, then I shut down, almost instantly, or react in an unhealthy manner.
13) I'm reactive, not always proactive. As a kid, it was hard to be proactive when there was never a set schedule and you didn't know when things would go to hell. 
[To be continued]

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