Sunday, November 10, 2013

step Four, Part 2

I've been avoiding Step 4, regardless of how much I say I want it.  I thought the God stuff would be the hard part. To find out that discovering myself is the hard part right now kinda sucks.
Figuring out what's me and what's chameleon or defense is difficult. I guess I need to explore those.
I am a people pleaser. It is difficult for me to express something different from the general consensus or even to lead a group to a common decision. I fear getting it "wrong" or causing problems and disagreements.  I'm too used to trying to keep the peace and keeping things happy, even if it means keeping my needs and wants to myself. I guess that is a defense mechanism that can fall.
I have issues with silence. Silence was not to be trusted, because too often it was a prelude to having to comfort or find Mom or Dad's drunken requests and punishments. Silence was/ is scarier than yelling, because at least yelling let you know what was going on. Silence leads to fear of the unknown and fear of what's possible.
I fear eye contact, for the same reason a dog doesn't like eye contact: it comes across as a display of dominance, and I have trouble with dominance. I had too many displays of aggression and fear causes that came hand in hand with eye contact. Eye contact has been construed as defiance and I've gotten severely punished for "looking at [someone] like that."
I work well with children. I don't know if that is innate or because I had to mother my mother and siblings from not even double digits in age. I have seemingly infinite patience with kids, even when they misbehave or irritate me. I have more patience with kids than adults, mostly because adults should know better, and a kid is still learning.
I truly think all my issues come from two main fears and one secondary fear: fear of retribution, fear of abandonment, and fear of imperfection. If I can face those, the other, negative ones will fall.

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