More Step 4

I've been really struggling with this step.  Partially because I'm trying to get a new career off the ground at the same time, but mostly because I'm trying to work around the idea that this is something you Don't Do.  You don't talk about yourself, good or bad, but especially good.
My sponsor recommended I try to view the good things as gifts or lessons from others, to get around that mental block.  It's still difficult.
I was in the classroom today (watching a lesson and getting introduced) and the higher ups kept going on and on about how smart and talented I was and how lucky they were I was there and all these positive things.  I tried to just let it wash over me and accept them.  I mostly succeeded. It was difficult to not interject with self deprecation, but I did it.  I even managed to do it, somewhat, in my head.  That's a rather large leap forward for me, to be able to accept a compliment without self deprecation either aloud or in my head.
I got joy out of helping the students, even the "difficult" class.  It's that joy in work I've been hunting for.  The day flew by.  I smiled most of the day, which is another rarity.
Today I discovered I had more patience than I thought I had.  I discovered that maybe I am as smart as everybody keeps telling me. I was reminded that I have a talent for helping people.

What Shall Today Bring?

I've noticed I'm rapidly coming to the point that caused me to abandon ship all the times before.  I'm starting to feel again.  I'm starting to not immediately put my emotions in  lockbox the instant I notice them.  This is a scary place.  All the negative Don'ts are coming out again when I feel them.
"Ladies don't get mad."
"Angry?  Do you want a reason to be angry?"
You're not dying, so you shouldn't be sad."
"What the hell are you so damn happy over?"
"Wipe that shit eating grin off your face or I will."
And so on.
One of the Al- Anon books suggests overriding negative self talk with positive slogans. Another suggestion is taking all of those negative self talks, writing them down, and putting them away physically.
Actually allowing myself to feel things is scary.  I hafta not only feel them, but figure out what is socially acceptable to show.  I obviously can't punch a wall every time I'm angry or break into tears every time I'm sad. Sometimes, the emotion itself is a scary one that I generally try to avoid, because it's a Bad Feeling.  It's one a regular person shouldn't admit to having. I realize most humans experience most, if not all, of these negative emotions.  I'm just afraid of pushing people away with the Bad emotions.
This is not a place I want to be.  This is not a path I want to take.  I need to take it.  I've turned away from this path, at this point, several times before. Dealing with who I actually am and what I actually feel isn't pleasant.
What is this emotion?  I recognize the heart squeezy feeling.  I recognize the anxiety.  I think this is dread. I acknowledge the dread.  Dread is brought on by fear. I recognize the fear and acknowledge it by name: fear of abandonment. I hold the dread and the fear as the tiny little rat babies they are in my hands. I recognize the worry over what comes next.
I can do this. I can be honest with myself and feel the true emotion.  I might even be able to name them. This next step is a giant leap into unknown territory.  Then again, Neil Armstrong only put one foot at a time on the moon as he uttered "That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind."  If one movement at a time put humans on the moon, one movement at a time will edge me towards sanity.

Reward and Punishment

At our last meeting, my Sponsor said something to the effect of "you've never been rewarded, only not punished." I've thought and thought and THOUGHT to find an example to prove her wrong.  There had to be some time my parents rewarded me for good behavior.
I can't think of one.  Good grades were so commonplace they weren't praised. A clean room just meant I wasn't to be punished.  Babysitting was routine. Chores earned allowance in the same way a job earns wages.  Rewards just didn't happen.  Matter of fact, when I would be rewarded for something by a relative,  I was often embarrassed by it, of all things.  I guess because I viewed rewards as special treatment and special treatment was Bad, because special treatment meant you weren't perfect enough not to need it.  A perfect person wouldn't need to be rewarded, it would be superfluous, because it would be constant reward.
I'm still scratching my head, trying to find a time I was rewarded, even with a simple "good job!"  I think I heard that a few times cooking with dad.  A true reward? I don't know that I was even allowed to go out to eat with the team after a soccer win.  For all I know, we couldn't afford that, though.
I'm struggling to come up with a way to reward myself for positive behavior and progress.  The word really isn't in my vocabulary, in regards to myself.  I use stickers for the little girl I tutor, and praise.  I use praise and hugs for my niece.
Part of the struggle with rewards is thinking of one I would consider a reward that isn't already used for something else.  I already play a video game on a daily basis.  I cook good food on a daily basis, and have severe food issues.  I'm unemployed, so many are flat offlimits. Maybe giving myself a manicure or pedicure or allowing myself to watch trash tv or a favorite show.
Another part of it, possibly a bigger part of it, is convincing myself that what I do is worthy of reward and praise.  Many times, I'm bewildered by praise, so I deflect it towards someone or something else.  I'm bewildered because most of what others praise me for was what needed to be done or what I was asked to do.  It just is.  I feel like I can't accept reward for something that I'm supposed to do, even if I do a stellar job.  It's needy, childish, and something you Don't Do.  A good person doesn't need a reward, the good job was it's own reward, or something like that.  Being rewarded is a foreign concept, almost as foreign as the ocean to someone that's never been off the Rockies: I know it exists, I've seen pictures and maps, but can't grasp the concept of seemingly endless water. 
I don't know that anything I do is worthy of praise and reward.  I've had people praise or reward me for things I couldn't understand.  My Sponsor has praised me for making such progress in healing myself via Al- Anon, for making it so far  as I have in my life. It needed to be done, so I'm doing it.  I needed to get out and get a better life than I had, so I did.  I still don't understand how that merits praise.  I have the faintest glimmer of why it does, but it's like a candle 5 million miles away. I've been rewarded with a bonus for what  I considered to be doing my job, and not doing it particularly spectacularly, in my eyes, much as I tried.  It was for a "job well done," so apparently they liked it...  How is doing what needs to happen worthy of praise?  How is something incomplete still worthy of reward?
It's just... foreign.  I understand the raw concept.  An animal learns best with praise and rewards.  I can apply it to others.  But when I try to apply it to me, I can't see what it is I do that's special enough for a reward.  If I saw someone else doing what I'm doing, I'd praise and congratulate them to the ends of the earth.  But, in my head, I didn't "earn" that reward for the exact same behavior.
Another part of it is that perfectionist/ procastinist drive.  I'm supposed to be perfect, and perfect people don't need rewards to learn.  I realize I'm not perfect, nor am I expected to be. I can acknowledge that  rewards would help in the process.
I guess the temporary answer on whether or not something deserves a reward is whether I'd praise or reward someone else for the same thing, until I can see the reward triggering actions myself.